Tag Archives: small things

Turn back the clock. Please. No. Don’t.

M tony holding onto wet logan

Phew. I have found myself in a new place with new stuff. Startled by it? Yes. Uncomfortable? Always.

But what’s a girl to do? Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? She jumps right in there and figures it out.

I know exactly where I was when it happened and I know what started it. I saw a group of women with their cherub faced toddlers, they were laughing and playing, appearing to be fearless and care-free, and it came out of nowhere.

In an instant, and for the first time that I can remember, I wanted to go back to that time in Logan’s life before he had Type 1, before he had a speech disorder, before he would experience a roller coaster of being on the spectrum, before he would say, “Mom, please take the diabetes out of my body” and years later , “Mom, I’m afraid that people will pick on me because of my personality.”

Phew, there it is again, even as I write this, out of nowhere, it gently finds the hairline cracks in my armor and splits it wide open and makes me vulnerable. Parenting is not for the faint at heart that’s for sure.

But it’s all good. Really.

No really. Trust me. I have a plan. I have a checklist.

The last month has brought more than mud to the surface. Emotions have been raw, doubts were looming, challenges were, well, just that…challenging. I had to dig a little deeper. I had to let go. I had to remind myself that being too far in the past or too far in the future holds no power for being here right now. And I needed a nap.

When I get uncomfortable, when things surprise me, I’m reminded of who I am, who I’m not, what I’m made of and what gets me in trouble and what gets me out of trouble.

I’m stubborn, just ask my family. I’m determined. I am forever hopeful. I’m dependable.

I’m a hugger.

I’m a lover not a fighter, and not to mislead you because there are things and people that I will fight for until the end of time.

I will fight for a cure. Without a doubt.

I don’t like conflict but I know that finding a solution can get messy and it’s not always easy.

I want everyone to be heard, everyone to be honored.

I’m that person that always thinks of something to say in my car on the way home. I see both sides. Well, I try to see both sides. No one’s perfect.

I can be indecisive though I’ve been known to take off running and never look back.

I believe in people and in kindness. I believe that it is the little things that are really the big things.

Mean people get me down.

Rude people make me want to scream. In fact, I’ve been known to swear at them from the safety of my car, my laundry room and while hiking on a trail. Not a shocker given my feelings about conflict.

Being fierce both scares and inspires me.

I want everyone to have at least one person in their life that has their back, always remembering that there is strength in numbers.

I want a cure.

For everyone.

Is it possible? I have to believe.

Am I naive? Maybe.

I know that when Logan was born it never crossed my mind that we would be advocating for anything, much less a cure for Type 1 and raising awareness for Autism Spectrum Disorders.

You know what else I didn’t know, was how amazing it would all be.

Granted, at times life can be exhausting, frustrating, and all of those things that make me want to crawl into a cave and never come out. But what fun would that be? Well, lets be honest, we all need a break now and then, so there are days where that cave looks like a week on the beach with nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

So, this is my check list of sorts, bringing me full circle when life catches me by surprise.

I get uncomfortable, retreat, look at where I’ve been…no secret solution, just time and the willingness to sit with it for a bit and let the dust settle.

I admit it’s hard to go back there sometimes, but being uncomfortable is good in so many ways, it reminds me of what I have to work on and it gives me a glimpse of all that I cherish. 

Would I do anything differently given the chance to turn back the clock? I don’t know.

Well, that’s a lie because I would love to kiss those chubby cheeks, snuggle into their necks until they squeal, and scoop them up as their little legs try to carry them away in sheer delight. 

The truth is there is nothing that I could have done to spare Logan his diagnosis. What I can do is to keep advocating, raising awareness and to love everything about this challenging chaotic life.

I’m getting better at giving myself permission to feel uncomfortable. I’m quicker to get in the thick of it, trusting that I will come out stronger and more content. 

IMG_2342For me, the real beauty and power lies in the emerging, the rising up, the looking forward and celebrating all that brought me to this moment. Squeezing through those tight places and feeling so good when I reach the other side.

And this moment, it’s just another reminder to keep advocating, fund raising, connecting and serving… not only for my family and for myself, but for others, because though I speak for myself here, I know that I am not alone and we are in this together.

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There is always something that you can do…

Yikes! It’s been awhile, hope everyone is having a great summer. I’m nearing the 30 day mark before my JDRF 100 mile ride and at the same time digging my heels into the ground as I try to slow down these wonderful summer days, I love having my kids at home.

Just food for thought, I’ll be back again soon…have a great day!

never forget quote

We are all connected…Heart Garland

DSCN1135I wasn’t sure what we would tell Logan and Zoe, much less the details of the tragic events. So, when Zoe asked me if someone was shot at a school, well, I was a bit rattled. My parenting skills skipped town, my heart ached and my mind raced searching for answers.

She had overheard some parents talking after school while she was practicing cartwheels with her friends. I love Zoe for her attentiveness, but in this moment I had only wished that she had been more distracted by the giggling of her friends than the tears of a mother.

In the end we talked with Logan and Zoe about what happened at Sandy Hook. It was not easy, trying to find the words to explain to them about the depth of it all without scaring them or adding worry to their thoughts.

We left the conversation feeling that we had covered what needed to be covered, though more than we had anticipated. As the weekend rolled along there were other moments when it resurfaced, innocently giving Zoe a glimpse of what had happened. The front page of a newspaper laying on a table at Panera’s. An overwhelmed mother talking with her friend near the kids Christmas movies at Target. In that particular moment I couldn’t react fast enough to get Zoe away from the conversation, leading to me giving the other Mom the ‘stink-eye’ with a “What are you doing?!!” glare.

It was in the car that the conversation transpired, Zoe wondering how someone could be so ‘mean’, How could they hurt those kids? Why did he go to the school? Why? Why? Why? Logan sat quietly in the seat next to her, I watched their faces, my heart ached for those families and I could see my children struggling with it all, internally, externally, searching.

As we talked about it, I wanted them to remember that there is always something that can be done. We all want to turn back time and save those children and families from heartache and loss. But we can’t, so what do we do? As a society, that’s up to us, the adults, that’s not what this moment was about. It was about helping my children feel safe and showing them to keep putting good back in the world, to remind them how much good is out there and that together we can help each other heal. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, what’s most important is that it is a heartfelt, loving one.

It all felt so ‘big’, what to do, how to help. My own mind raced with thoughts about the families, the children, the community. There were no words to express the range of emotions that we were all feeling, trying to grab onto whatever it is that keeps us centered.

While searching for ways to translate it all to my seven and nine year old, I tried to explain to them that sometimes when there is a big crack in the pavement you have to fill in the all of the little cracks first. That all of the little things help fix the big things. I could see their bodies relax, their faces soften as they eased back into their seats.

I asked them what would make them feel better if this would have happened to our family. They both said hugs first and then as we talked about our family blog and how we have been sending out hearts to raise awareness for T1D they shouted out, we could send hearts!! Perfect I thought, something that they could do and it would help them feel like they had control of what was happening.

I wasn’t at all surprised when they started asking if they could ask their friends and family to send hearts too. Hmmmmm…I explained that it might be a little tricky because for many reasons, and good ones, not everyone will have the same information about what happened, so we might want to just ask a few people to join us. They were persistent and truly believed that others would want to join us, so I sent out a few e-mails, shared with a few friends and you know, they were right.

As the names started to pour in, I thought to myself, “Kids have it right, they blurt things out, they cut to the chase and they speak from the heart, no filters”, though sometimes I wish they had a little bit of filter, like when we are in the check-out line and they suggest that the lady should use the white stuff that I use for her mustache.

At first we thought to just send a box of hearts, then there were so many names we thought to make a garland of hearts. A collection of love, thoughts and prayers sent together, strung together by one ribbon, feels right. We are all connected, a garland would be perfect.

In a short amount of time we have received over 200 names and they keep coming. They have come from all over the United States, Canada, India, Australia, Japan and Guatemala.

So, join us! We invite you to send your name, city, and state to be added to one of our hearts. (It doesn’t have to be your full name, whatever you feel comfortable with, though we would like to add a location to show support from all over, not just from where we are from).

Feel free to share this post with friends and family, we’ll be taking names until Dec. 25 at Midnight (MST). All you need to do is leave your info. here or you can e-mail it to me at ddricke@gmail.com. We’ll make sure that your love and good vibes are added to our garland, and we’ll be sure to post a photo of the garland when it is completed.

Thank you for considering it and for sharing it. I am grateful to all of those that have contributed in helping this parenting moment slowly shift from a very difficult conversation to a movement of love and kindness. We look forward to adding you to our family of hearts! and since we can’t hug everyone as Logan and Zoe so eagerly suggested, we send you hugs from here, may we all continue to move forward in kindness and grace.